Nepal en la frente: Measure of self-worth


New Year’s resolutions often fall short a few months into the year. Whether it’s by accident or not, trying to better ourselves can be a hard thing to do. Dwelling on our mistakes won’t help, though. Simply be present, again and again, moment to moment.

I often times feel static in life. Unmoving in my hopes to become better. I made it my New Year’s, and really for the rest of my life, resolution to try to stop feeling like that. I am trying to be someone who can acknowledge that I have the personal power to shape my reality in the image that I want, to stay true to my values, to live in authenticity as much as I can, and to forgive myself for my flaws while simultaneously striving to live wholeheartedly and be my best. That, however, is exhausting. It means having my inner world be so solid that the outside chaos can’t sway my belief in myself and my inherent values. It’s been almost five months since New Year’s, and I am nowhere near my goal of understanding how I measure my self-worth.

I have no internal measure of success. Nothing that is based on an unshakable faith in my worth currently exists. I have recently started thinking more and more about what one of my teachers always says. “The only person you have to live with for the rest of your life is yourself.” I am constantly straining myself to get more done, and in recent weeks I’ve been feeling burnt out as a result. I haven’t taken the time to breathe and to allow myself to say no to putting others’ needs in front of my own.

I’ve noticed I measure my self-worth based on if I can make my nieces and nephews smile, if I’ve done all my homework, if I’ve been reading, if I’ve been painting, if I’ve been meditating, if I’ve been taking naps after school, if I feel like I’m a good sister or not. In general, I just a lot of time wondering if I’m a good person.

So what does all that mean? Well, to start, I’m trying to not measure my self-worth by my productivity. I need to understand that not fishing a paper or not producing something amazing every single time is not a measure of my success, that I am no less of a person because of my flaws. If all the things I do, all the ways I value my self-worth were suddenly taken away, would I still be happy with the person I am? I don’t know. What I have realized is that at my core I need to feel as if I am enough. No measure of self-worth will mean anything if in the end I can’t be happy with the person I am on the inside without all the outside variables.