In September of 2023, I herniated the L4/L5 disc in my back, which caused severe degeneration in the rest of the lumbar section of my spine. In April of 2024, it was finally addressed. From April to August, we tried everything to avoid having surgery. Epidural shots, physical therapy, chiropractic care and even acupuncture. None of it worked. So, finally, at the end of August, I had the surgery. During recovery, the pain is expected to get worse, and then settle down. But, in my case, it won’t eliminate the pain completely. I’ll have to get used to living with pain for pretty much the rest of my life.
Living in pain is hard to explain to people. Most of the time, I’m faced with a look of pity. But, feeling sorry for someone doesn’t fix their situation. For most, nothing can fix it. There are ways to alleviate some pain, but it’s still there. What’s actually in your control, as a supporter, is how you treat them. Many people may try to bar someone from experiencing or completing duties in life, but that’s the opposite of what you want to do.
“While being empathetic is important, avoid reinforcing a sedentary or inactive lifestyle,” according to a study on chronic pain done by the Mayo Clinic. “Encourage independence and motivate the person to participate in their daily life.”
The only person who knows how much they are capable of is the person in pain themselves. Not caregivers, friends or family. Being an active participant in their own life is important, but too often this is unfortunately dismissed by the people around them. It can cause those who are chronically in pain to spiral mentally.
“Chronic pain has been directly linked to anxiety, depression and reduced quality of life,” according to an article from Mental Health America.
Telling a person who’s in pain that they can’t do something makes them feel hopeless, even if you have their best interest in mind. I know people are trying to be nice when they say they’ll take something off my plate and do a task for me, but it makes me want to scream, “Did I ask for your help?” And, most of the time, the answer is no.
There are things I can’t do with the state my back is in. But I’m fully capable of voicing when I need help. I know that carrying my backpack is hard, so I’ll ask for help carrying it. There are times when I can’t pick something up from the ground, so I’ll ask for help picking it up. There are times when I need to sit down, so I’ll ask someone to help me find a chair. When I need help, I’ll ask for help. I don’t need people just assuming I’ll need it.
If someone looks tired in the hallway, would you just swoop in and carry them to class? No, because that’s weird. If it looks like they need help and you wanted to give them a hand, you would ask. Most people in chronic pain don’t want to bring attention to it. They want to be “normal.” Someone flying in and playing hero isn’t going to help. It’s going to embarrass them and make them feel helpless.
I’ve been yelled at for not asking for help with something I am completely capable of doing. Yelled at for trying to take my life back from the grasps of pain. Insulted for not letting my pain make my life miserable. That’s not the kind of treatment people need. They need someone to be there in case they overestimate themselves, not someone who will yell at them for trying to do something on their own.
So, next time you learn someone in your life is dealing with chronic pain, don’t try to micromanage their life. Show them that you’re there for them, but only help if they ask.
