At first glance, senior Jake Buckley is hard to miss. His tall stature can be intimidating to opponents on the field or classmates passing him in the hallway. Buckley fits the mold of a stereotypical high school football star: tall, muscular and imposing. As Buckley walks through the halls, he notices how people move aside as he passes. His broad shoulders and height make him stand out. Classmates gawk in the halls, wowed by his intimidating look.
But that’s not how he sees himself. There is so much more to Buckley than his physical appearance.
“People say I’m terrifying just to look at because being a taller, bigger guy, people think of me as this big scary athlete that nobody wants to go against,” Buckley said. “That doesn’t make me feel good because they don’t really know my true personality, and I want more people to know that.”
Many people don’t know that Buckley trades the shoulder pads for a piano in his free time. They don’t know he sets down his basketball to write songs. He trades the locker room bench for his piano bench. After an hour of a competitive practice, he’ll let his creative side out by crafting lyrics to a new song. He is in his own world, letting the lyrics fill his head. The music drowns out the squeaking of shoes, the blowing of whistles and the yelling of opponents. He feels at home. But this is a home nobody knows about.
This is the side many of Buckley’s peers don’t see due to his fear of feeling judged. But he is beginning to realize that hiding his interests to fit a stereotype is not worth it. Those who accept his passions, he said, are the people worth keeping around.
“Those who accept your personality, your thoughts, your hobbies, you’ll be able to build a greater relationship with,” Buckley said.
The fear of being judged and shaping your personality to meet the expectations of others is extremely common. The desire to fit in isn’t new. Humans have always relied on social groups for safety and survival. Psychology teacher Daniel Ferrel mentioned that those who weren’t a part of a social group in prehistoric times were not likely to survive. They needed the safety and numbers of a group. Now, it’s ingrained into our minds to conform to being a part of a group for survival, regardless of the culture you were born into.
“From evolutionary history, we want to be part of a tribe, or a part of a group for safety and comfort,” Ferrel said. “It’s so embedded into the recesses of our mind to want to be liked by others, to want to have lots of friends, to want to have support systems around us. We will change our attitudes.”
Changing oneself for the approval of their peers is called conformity. For example, people engage in things that go against their beliefs just for the sake of earning social approval. For Buckley, he once hid the artistic side of himself. Other than not sharing his musical journey, Buckley tries to remain true to himself. Having different personalities in different social settings is normal, but that often leads to complications in the long run.
High school intensifies the pressure to conform. Students spend nearly every day surrounded by peers, constantly comparing themselves to others. Students spend hours observing what their peers wear, do and post online. Students will do anything to not stand out. And for some, blending in feels safer than risking judgment.
“I’m trying to be me and have one personality instead of different personalities, because it’s confusing for people to know who I really am as a person,” Buckley said.
Buckley said that he tries to remain true to himself by expressing his authentic personality. That way, everyone can see his personality the same way and he never has to mask who he truly is.
For others, blending in seems less optional. Sophomore Melyssa Caravantes feels the need to conform so she can be accepted by her peers in each aspect of her life. Caravantes feels compelled to alter her personality so she is liked by everyone. Besides confusing people with more than one personality, like Buckley said, there are even more downsides to changing your personality to fit in. For Caravantes, she feels uncomfortable and not herself.
“[Shaping my personality to fit into different groups] makes me a little uncomfortable at times, and more self-conscious and aware of the things that I do,” Caravantes said.
Social media can make authenticity even harder to achieve. Feeds are often filled with highlight reels including photos with friends, TikTok dances and aesthetic meals. While the highlight reels fill screens, the ordinary or difficult moments of life are hidden behind smiles and laughter.
“Nobody posts about the mundane aspects of their life,” Ferrel said. “Nobody really posts excessively negative things about their life or personality. “
Many students, including Caravantes, carefully choose what parts of their lives they would like to share online. Caravantes feels like she must share her highlight reels so she can craft a version of herself that people can admire.
“I feel like a lot of the stuff I post is the fun stuff that I do, not really the basic stuff,” Caravantes said. “[I do this] out of fear of judgement and people not accepting my hobbies.”
For Buckley, he tries his hardest to set an example for his peers. Walking through the halls, Buckley knows how many people don’t feel content with themselves. Buckley tries to share his positive outlook on life with others in hopes that they can someday feel the same way.
“It’s all about being yourself and expressing how you feel,” Buckley said. “I see a lot of people wearing hoods around school, and I can tell they don’t feel the way they should. I really want to set the example of, ‘It’s okay to be yourself around other people.’”
It can be hard expressing yourself when you open your phone to a post about your classmates having a fun time in the city while you’re at home in your pajamas. That is when low self-esteem creeps in, when you’re not doing the same things as your peers. According to psychologytoday.com, 85% of people worldwide have low self-esteem.
Ferrel recalls a time when he shifted who he was just to fit in. He made sure to conform to social groups so he did not stand out. All he wanted was to be a part of a group, and he cared too much about maintaining a certain identity.
“I was very focused on being in all the right classes and hanging out with the right people,” Ferrel said. “As I’ve gotten further from that environment, I realized that none of that mattered.”
Now, as a teacher, Ferrel encourages his students not to follow in his high school footsteps. Ferrel encourages everyone to try something new and do what they enjoy. He wishes he would’ve had that mindset when he was in school.
“Just be yourself,” Ferrel said. “Don’t worry about it. Right now, it seems like a lot of people are always looking at you in a fishbowl, and that’s not always the case. Enjoy what you want to enjoy now.”
As Buckley’s high school chapter is coming to a close, he has learned the same lesson as Ferrel. Buckley starts each school morning with an enthusiastic, “Good morning, Kaneland High,” whether it’s a Monday or a Friday. Many students couldn’t fathom doing the announcements each morning, especially with the entire school as their audience. Buckley doesn’t mind. He’s being himself and not letting anyone get in his way. He has learned to embrace who he truly is as a person, while picking up others along the way.
“I’m just doing what I enjoy,” Buckley said. “I wouldn’t have done the announcements if I didn’t love it.”
As Buckley prepares to graduate, he hopes more students begin to realize that it’s okay to be yourself. Fitting in isn’t as important as being authentic. Whether Buckley is blocking an opponent on the football field, dunking the ball on a fast break, creating a new song or greeting the school over the announcements, Buckley said the most important thing is to stay true to who you are.
“The fear of being judged is overused,” Buckley said. “If they judge you for doing something, then that’s not the right person to be around.”
